My heart aches and tears trickle down my cheeks as I write this. I have been in love with a boy for the first time in 29 years of my life, he had my heart and still has it, but we are not together anymore. Love is never enough to keep a relationship standing. It needs commitment, courage and understanding too.
This is a story of an old schoolgirl (in thought) who had been waiting to find love in an arranged marriage set up through matrimony sites. All she wanted was a person who could see her for the person she is and keep her for the rest of his life. Did she find the person, yes she did, or at least she thought so.
She knew that the boy is not as mature as her and that she would have to work hard for their future when she said a yes. She planned all her life around him with him. Then came in marriage dates. She was having a time of her life; she was happy she found love. She trusted him more than her doubts and insecurities and was confident about him for all he asked her was to trust him.
She gave him everything out of the joy of being in love and all her feelings were reciprocated. All was well until the differences between the families creeped in. The girl did everything in her power to sort the differences out.
She made her parents give most of the things the boy had asked her for the marriage rituals, she tried to balance her parents and the boy she was in love and wanted to spend rest of her life with. Was this balance reciprocated from the boy, no. She knew that the actions and words were not his completely and that he was being made to do what he was doing.
She knows that she deserves better and yet she didn't tell a no because she wanted to be with him. She apologized for every mistake that happened with or without her knowledge and asked him for a fresh start. She and her family were still blamed for the way things turned out (it takes two to tango) with a no and was wished luck in finding a better partner and having bright future.
The call was cut while she was still sobbing still trying to wrap her head around what she was listening. She cried her heart out, for she failed in love and love cheated her and it was her first time at it.
She decided to go to police station after crying for two days to get her pics and videos deleted from the boy’s mobile, not because she did not trust him but because she wanted a legitimate medium to do what had to be done to protect her future and family.
That’s my story of falling in love. I knew that love would make me vulnerable which is what I feared in the first place. What I dint know was it could also make me irrational to the point that I only kept giving without any expectations to keep my partner happy and the relationship standing.
I laughed at movies where women tried to stay in abusive relationships even when they should get out, and here I have become a poster child to it.
Learning to unlove a person is the hardest thing ever and I am gloriously failing at it. After all the conversations and actions that transpired between us, hating each other should be easier, but I only have love for him. I only remember how he lit up my face with his texts, smile and conversations.
But what I should also remember is, I have been in a relationship where I have constantly been misunderstood, gaslighted and may be even manipulated to some extent. I was aware of what I was going through and yet I went through it for the sake of love. I loved him with everything I have had.
Do I have love at the end, no.
Do I still love him, yes.
Do I want to fall out of love with him, no.
Will I fall out of love with him, only time will tell.