Coming out is often framed as that one major, almost imperative event in every queer person’s life: a moment from which a person can start ‘being themselves’.
I knew I was different ever since I was young, and so did everybody else. And instead of pretending it wasn’t the case, I was always encouraged to embrace it. So after years of mixed feelings of shame and self-discovery, I was able to come to terms with the fact that my difference was something tangible, something that was experienced by other people too, and something that I could understand and celebrate. And that’s when I came out to my parents.
Before telling my parents, I came out to a tight-knit group of friends, obsessing over who I told and making them swear on dramatic things I didn’t want the news to reach my parents before I was ready. The relationship I shared with my parents was very open. I used to be proud as a teenager about the fact that I never hid anything from them, but this was the one thing I had kept from them. I came out to them when I was 19, during my second year of college. It was an impulsive move. I was at home one night and decided to tell them. I sat them down and did it quickly before I could change my mind. They already had a vague idea. My dad guessed what I was about to say.
There were tears, there was disappointment, but there were also reassurances. They reminded me that they loved me and that would never change. My dad, being a ‘manly man’, doesn’t talk about it much. Everyone has their own way of dealing I guess, but his disposition towards me has not changed one bit. He has always been proud. My mother took about a year to warm up to the idea, but once she did, she got fully involved, like mothers tend to do. She knows all about my relationship and the ups and downs it goes through. I guess living your life the way you want to, not being answerable to anyone, and not caring about how people will react was key in helping me come out in my own way.
The coming out didn’t end there. Over the next few years, I slowly began to learn more about myself, and more about how I’ve been forced to present myself a certain way due to societal standards. I came out as gay. I understood that while acknowledging my identity with these terms doesn’t change me, it gives power to me to define my identity and affiliation instead of it being assumed.
Being gay is not something that I would actively tell people or hide from people. It has never been a big part of my identity. It’s like having a favourite colour.