I have never really believed in the authenticity of long-distance relationships. But if you asked me why. I couldn’t really define my problem with the arrangement. Because – perhaps like you, I have heard of several such successful relationships.
But now I have my answers.
It was 2021, the year after the pandemic. My father’s phone rang one morning. He picks up and learns that the home nurse in-charge of looking after his bed-ridden mother is having an affair. Not enough? She had also fought with the maid which led to her quitting.
He immediately packs 3 pairs of clothes and takes the next flight to his village in Kerala. He assumes that the problem would die down after some time. But he goes to find out that his mother has bed sores and was prescribed unnecessary medication. He has no other way but to stay back for longer.
My father being a lawyer starts to attend the virtual proceedings of the court and is able to manage work from Kerala. Even when the courts become physical, my sister decides to join him and become the hands and legs of his office in Delhi. My mother also accommodates the change and extends her hand and makes up for the lacunae.
As the situation in Delhi becomes conducive for my father, he decides to stay back in Kerala and look after his mother himself. We often meet him in Kerala, and he visits us in Delhi. With endless calls between my parents and even a mandatory video call of the whole family – things start to function well. But I am quick to notice that my parents have emerged into a long-distance relationship.
Now, when my parents meet, it’s not the same. The lack of body language often puts them at a disadvantage. The communication is not as effective. My mother starts taking very many decisions, that were under my father’s jurisdiction. He doesn’t like that. Their opinions also differ because their realities have changed. It becomes easy for my father to suggest things from afar, but my mother finds it difficult to execute it due to several factors that needs to be accounted for.
She often complains that "you don't seem to get the essence of what I mean". He juts in and asks, "why do you have to get so angry or upset over little things?". And since it’s always easier said than done, frustrations and agitation arise between them. None of us know what’s happening. They were always on the same page previously.
I suddenly realize what is happening. It’s a typical example of cosmetic gardening. Where the plants take the shape of a container. As per a website, the best way to grow a pear in a bottle is by placing the head of the bottle over the growing pear, carefully and with the top down. Some simple twine on the top and bottom of the bottle helps keep it secure, and then the rest is up to mother nature. The pear will just grow in the bottle all summer.
A plant will always adjust itself to their external factors. In the case of bamboo, the growth pattern of the stalks is that it will bend itself to reach a single light source. As the bamboo grows, the farmer will observe the growth and rotate the bamboo several times toward the sunlight creating the desired shape.
Nature often has all the answers to our problems. On one of my nature walks, I realized that in the case of my parents, my father was the bottle, and my mother was the pear. Or in another instance my mother was the farmer, and my father was the stalk of bamboo. They were in some way or the other influencing their growth. Suddenly, when the bottle is taken away or when the farmer stops rotating the bamboo, the plants grow in the way they decide without any external influence. And that’s what happens when two people start living apart.
Knowingly or unknowingly, we make space for and adapt with the people and things around us. As humans, we have mastered the art of identifying the smallest of our inconveniences and finding solutions for them, much like solving a puzzle. It also proves our general aversion to change, sometimes even at the cost of fostering unhealthy or toxic relationships.
Do I then mean that there is no hope for long-distance relationships? Not at all. In fact, I couldn’t have ever imagined that my mother could stand her ground so strongly with my father if not for this arrangement. And for my father to be ever respectful of my mother’s individuality and vice-versa.
But I end on a positive note to say that we are always capable of changing by learning and unlearning our long-held beliefs and habits. In my understanding, we have been equipped to deal with our challenges better than we think. So, when our circumstances reintegrate to the initial arrangement, we are bound to create a new habit and learn to adapt with that person all over again, probably differently and perhaps in a better way.